


Model Ships and Escape Plans

by Rhiannon87, virusq



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Collaboration, Epistolary, F/M, M/M, Model ships are serious business, smuggling weapons inside of food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-13
Updated: 2012-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-01 22:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhiannon87/pseuds/Rhiannon87, https://archiveofourown.org/users/virusq/pseuds/virusq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in a series of reblogs on tumblr. Began with the question of "who the heck scattered Shepard's model ships all over the Normandy?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Model Ships and Escape Plans

**Author's Note:**

> Joker's messages are written by virusq. Shepard's messages are written by rhiannon42. Bold is the original question, written by impsythealmighty on tumblr (and re-imagined here as, one assumes, a mass e-mail sent very early in the morning while Shepard might not be 100% sober).

**Dear whoever scattered my model ship collection all over the Normandy,**

**Fuck you.**

**Sincerely,**

**Commander Shepard**

*

Dear Commander Shepard,

It was me.  Duh.

Jeff

xoxo

*

Dear Flight Lieutenant Moreau,

Did you really have so much free time while I was under house arrest that the only thing you could do was scatter my ships across every level of the Normandy?

You could’ve at least tried to spring me, you know. I’m hurt.

Shepard

*

Shepard,

Sorry.  I was really busy proving I wasn’t brainwashed by pro-human terrorists and smuggling Reaper tech into Alliance military bases.  I’d have written, but Hallmark still hasn’t found the right words for “Hello from Alliance Judiciary Hearing Land!  Invasive interrogations are going well!  Wish you were here.”

Didn’t you get that bouquet I sent?  The ones where the flowers were made from comic book covers?  Or the cake I sent you?  The one with the file in it?  Anderson said he recei—

Oh.  That explains a lot, actually.  Shit.

Jeff

*

Jeff,

And yet you still found the time between interrogations to hide my ships everywhere. You’re lucky you’re cute.

I did get the bouquet, actually. I managed to entertain myself for half a day by trying to read everything without taking the flowers apart. Not that I envy you the interrogations, but house arrest was _boring_. And while I appreciate the thought, I didn’t need to file through any bars to get out of the house. I needed to disable the eight-to-ten MPs surrounding the building at all times.

Is it weird that I want to see if I could hide a pistol inside a cake now?

Shepard

*

Shepard,

Whatever you do, do not attempt to hide an M-92 Mantis in a party sized hoagie.  No amount of tomato colored camouflage paint splotches will hide the thing from hungry MPs.

Side note: Lieutenant Rodriguez is allergic to black forest ham.

Jeff

*

Jeff,

Noted.

None of this, however, tells me where my quarian lifeship is, Mr. Moreau. I expect you to deliver it to my quarters _personally_ when your shift is over. I’ll be waiting. Impatiently. 

Shepard

P.S. Do you know if anyone’s had a chance to sweep my quarters for bugs or hidden cameras yet? Just curious. You know. For reasons.

*

[Bats eyelashes slowly.  Attempts to remain calm.  Fails.]

Shepard,

I think I left it in engineering, where the tantalus drive emissions disrupt recording devices. 

Near Jack’s cot.  
In five minutes.  
Jeff

[Hurried exit.]

“EDI?  Take the helm.  _Hamster emergency._ ”  
  
“I see.”  [Robotic attempt at obvious conspiracy winking.]  “I’ll distract Engineer Adams, Jeff.”  
  
…

_Adams,_

_I request your immediate presence in the medical ward.  Your professional opinion is required for an indefinite amount of time and/or coffee.  Stat._

_-Karin_


End file.
